Hollywood has over the years brought us some of the most moving, enchanting, exciting, inspiring stories on the silver screen, introducing magic to our lives. From the black and white days of Gone With The Wind and Casablanca, to the vivid technicolor years of Ivanhoe and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, to the CGI wonders of The Matrix and the 3D blowout of Avatar, major motion picture studios have been entertaining people en masse for decades.
But something happened over the years. As the quality of the technology and special effects went up, the scope of the storytelling went down. The scripts became doctored and the story lines generic and predictable.
Watching a Hollywood movie these days is like eating junk food. I mean, they’re not particularly nutritious, they excite you as you take the first bite, they keep you going for as long as you’re on them and leave you unsatisfied and weird once you’re done with them. You think they’re easy to digest but they wreak havoc with your insides over time, and you swear you’ll never have more again. But a few days go by and you know what – there you are, biting into another one, saying it’s the last one, ever.
So here we are. Many of the major motion pictures these days have no love inside them, no soul. Yet we watch them all the same. We don’t know why we’re doing it, we just do it, as if we’re addicted to them and unable to get off the hook.
And it gets better! The film to end all films is finally here. Jimmy Kimmel decided to put together a cross-genre blockbuster that will end all generic blockbusters, pushing the envelope and making sure you won’t be able to think for hours. One view of his epic trailer and you’re speechless, coming back for more, eager to see it again and again, with your friends, your girlfriend, your family, alone, sitting down, standing up, doing a handstand and twirling like a twister.
Behold Jimmy Kimmel’s new and awesome feature: Movie: The Movie … the most star-studded motion picture in the history of motion pictures … the most varied, diverse, exciting, uplifting, engaging, informing and inspiring piece of silver screen entertainment your bucks will ever set eyes on. Critics call it a “romantically comic political action thriller drama” that will leave you hanging on the edge of your seat like a sloth overdosed on Ritalin. Coming to you soon, and all year round, in theaters all over the place, and then some, in your house, in your living room, your bedroom, your bathroom, your digitally-enhanced SUV, your bars and restaurants, your hospitals, prisons and oil rigs, on all formats, from DVD to TV, Pay-per-View, Click-on-Demand, Tivo, AnyTime, THX, HD, Blu-Ray and 3D, as well as on your PC, Mac, Tablet, and iPod, not to mention the new surgically implanted microchips designed to surge straight into your brain so that you may watch everything without having to move a muscle. Care of B(ol)lockbusters Inc, your best friend and benefactor. Please enjoy!
(Disclaimer: This transmission may leave you mentally disturbed, disabled and vocally challenged. You may break out in loud, unintelligible grunts. You may be unable to get up from your seat. You may lose track of time and do things that don’t make any sense, like pressing on a mouse for no apparent reason, throwing things on a web, or surfing on a net. The sponsor is not responsible for any side-effects, unless they turn out positive in the long run. All donations welcome.)
Now, please, sit down, kick back, and prepare to be blockbusted!