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Graecopithecus Freybergi Is The World’s Oldest Hominid

Image from Sci News

Racists and supremacists of the West, rejoice! Evidence has been found that humans originated in Europe, not Africa.

Time to crack open the bubbly, plus your opponents’ heads! (I can already hear the Polish far-right and the Hungarian Jobbiks and the Greek Golden Dawners and their British counterparts marching in triumph at the sound of this news, resembling, of course, the apes from which we descended, at best.)

Jokes aside, a new study has found evidence of a hominid that predates the first African human from Chad, Sahelanthropus tchadensis.

The newly discovered hominid’s name is Graecopithecus freybergi, the remains of which have been located both in Greece and Bulgaria.

Frankly, I don’t know what the big deal is. If one wanted to locate a Graecopithecus, all one had to do was walk the streets of Greece and Cyprus.

Jokes aside, this is a monumental discovery that has the potential to rewrite human history, not to mention Hellenic anatomy.

I can do this all day!

See, I can get away with humor like this because I hail from Cyprus and know exactly what I’m talking about, and even if I didn’t, I’d still go for it because oh-my-god! how-can-you-say-that? is not my style. I prefer calling it as and when I see it. Look around, apes abound, in case you were still wondering why the world is in such a mess. So check your indignation, keep your shirts on, unslacken your jaws, and smack the first person who rolls his eyes, her eyes, whatever, slap them real hard across the face and buy them an ouzo. Yeia mas! Time to party.

Jokes aside (a hard task, I admit; the whole event begs to be teased) it’s an astonishing discovery, one which may alter our understanding of humankind’s origins. The prevailing theory has just been disputed. Some of the facts we’d thus far taken for granted, they can’t be taken for granted anymore.

Boy, I hate making arguments that even vaguely resemble Kellyanne Conway’s proposition that facts are not immutable i.e. that they’re malleable; that there’re alternatives to them. Fuck you, Kellyanne Conway! You tainted the notion of disputing hard findings, you pea-brained troll. No one in their right mind can suggest anymore that facts are subject to perspective, change, or alternative interpretations, not without coming across as a moron. You did that with your ‘Spicey was talking alternative facts that are total BS but I’m going to stick with them anyway because I have authority issues.’

You suck!

Still, Conway or not, the fact remains: facts are mutable, especially in science. Popper’s principle of falsifiability demands that facts be refutable and subject to revision, lest they turn into dogma, of which we’re chock full these days, and could use less of.

So, dear friends! Here we are. History, the one we knew, not quite the same anymore. Quite possibly changed, all because of a pesky scientific finding that expands our understanding of life on earth at the expense of our precious dogmas and familiarities. Plus the racist hooligans from Europe and the West, surprise surprise, more than likely to claim this finding as their own personal victory.

As for the other racists, the ones who support the supremacy of other cultures and races, they’ll probably deem this a fabrication of Western scientists; one more ploy with which the West is trying to lay claim to the world.

See, bigotry and dogma and malicious politics know no borders. There’s plenty to go around.

Of course, as a parting thought, let’s note that the archeological evidence is still scant. We only have two findings, and one study. For the Graecopithecus freybergi hypothesis to hold — the notion that it is humankind’s earliest origin — more findings have to be made, all of them corroborating the proposition.

Until then, keep digging, friends. Keep believing in what you believe in, but with a pinch of salt, because nothing, not even God Almighty whose existence (or gender) has yet to be proven or disproven, well, you get the gist.

The only certainty is humanity’s need to place stories on a pedestal and pretend they’re scripture, religious or secular, it doesn’t matter. It makes no difference when dealing with a man’s or woman’s need to galvanize an idea into history, saving it for posterity, getting disappointed down the line when fresh facts catch up with the old ones.

Mutatis mutandis, ladies and gentlemen. Always.

And, lest we forget, fuck you Kellyane Conway! Fuck you and your outfit, your whole agenda and its pathetic soundboards including Sean Spicer and Sean Hannity and that apoplectic pithecanthropus Alex Jones.

Pithecanthropi abound.

From your delightfully irreverent Spin Doctor,

Eyes open, mind sharp.

For more, click here
And here (contains links to the original studies)
And here (contains a refutation by a skeptic, who points out that more evidence is needed for the hypothesis to hold)