Wind turbines spinning the wrong way are sucking the energy right out of our grid, costing us huge amounts of money and resources.
A butcher in Stratford-upon-Avon has made the groundbreaking discovery, throwing the entire system in shock.
‘It’s common sense,’ he told The National Whetstone. ‘You see it with your eyes and you tell it like it is, is what I did, and always do. I cut it down like prime flesh and serve it to you lean ’cause I seen what we be doing to the economy with this pseudoscience we be paying for with our own damn money. I’m from Stratford-Upon-Ayvahn, right next door to Heaven, which is where Willy Shakesbeard was born, but as you can tell I ain’t from here. I’m from all over the place, been in the US, and Australia, down under, New Zealand, Tasmania, even Belgium (yes, I drink doubly-fermented beer brewed with hops cured in the hangover tears of de-robed monks), I been places, I tell ya, seen things, and I wanna say this, if it’s the last thing I say, then this is what I wanna say, and it’s that we gots to stop funding these blood-sucking wind turbines. Take our energy back, make energy energetic again. Make the wind our friend again, and electricity electric. We can do it. Buy three rump steaks and get a fourth one half price. Only at Newth’s, the butcher’s where the knife cuts deep. And the wind turbines, yes, fuck them! They suck. Buy Newth’s — the freshest kills in town.’
Across the pond, Trump’s campaign have taken notice. They’re so impressed with Newth’s claim and his whole image and vibe, they’re running with it from today until the end of 2028 on all types of non-fossil-fuel technology, not just wind turbines. They’re all rigged backward, they say, and they all suck out our beautiful energy from our grids, and we have got to defeat them before they defeat us, and we are beautiful and strong, and we need greatness.
The entire world agrees, so we are rallying everyone to action. Come on, people, we have got to figure this out, soon. Tear down those goddamn turbines, or fix them, chop-chop, before they eat up our wonderful energy. The world needs good old fashioned soot to survive.
Ain’t that right, Gingrich! (Newth’s uncle from somewhere in the deep stupid, right next door to the Ruddy Giuliani, a nasty section in the big Crabapple, and the Ayn Ryan Jack Shit, a fucked part of nowhereland north of who gives a rat’s ass, which is very close to the May Johnson hospice for the criminally negligent and utterly insane.)
From your Darwin-awarding (if it’s a spoof, give the man a cigar) Spin Doctor,
Eyes open, mind your turn.
PS – The clipping is satire, of course, and damn fine satire it is, offering a platform for some much-needed scolding and ranting against the mindsets it highlights so beautifully.