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The Twilight Saga Gets Sunlit

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Vampires have been around in both literature and folklore for a long time — in fact for such a long time that the concept has become overused and tired.

Enter Twilight. The book that reinvented the old, sclerotic concept of vampires, turning them from badly dressed bloodsuckers with dated accents into cool and sexy badasses.

To experience the cool and sexy aspect of this reinvented type of vampire you had to be a teenage girl

The catch was that to experience the cool and sexy aspect of this reinvented type of vampire you had to be a teenage girl, or a woman getting in touch with your youth years and the reckless, forbidden, dazzling roller-coaster ride of emotions that came with.

Or you had to be totally gullible. Or in love. Or a totally gullible person in love.

Am I typecasting? Maybe, but I do so with a light heart. I’m an open-minded reader, always eager to connect with all sorts of genres, both as a fan, ready to be enthralled, as well as a writer, looking for insight into commercial appeal. I loved The Hunger Games, enjoyed Bridget Jones, and consider He’s Just Not That Into You a moving story.

So, eager to discover the magic in the newest YA sensation, I approached Twilight with all neurons firing, expecting to get something out of it.

What I got was a fridge in the face

What I got was a fridge in the face.

I tried again, reading lightly and with a frilly mind.

To no avail. It was like the best sleeping pill ever.

Enter The Twilight Movies

Having found a way to battle my insomnia, I decided to watch the Twilight movies instead. I thought maybe the visual element would compensate for the lacklustre prose.

The result? I was neither impressed nor captivated. Not even as a writer/producer looking for clues as to a hit production. The look, the feel, the pace, the director’s general approach, the acting, the setting, the music, the cinematography and shot selection — they all fell short.

In fact there’s so many things wrong with Twilight, it feels retarded. Or is it a genial scam?

In fact there are so many things wrong with Twilight, it feels retarded.

Or is it a genial scam? I mean, it’s robbing people’s money while they look the other way. It’s totally taking the piss. No, I don’t mean the stuff that’s usually wrong with movies, such as invented gadgets that don’t make any sense, or the loose and convenient plot points that magically link up the holes in film story lines. It’s the movies, after all, not academia.

But Twilight – Twilight is wrong on so many levels, it hurts.

Don’t take my word for it. Here’s an Honest Trailer to break down all the outrageously wrong things with it.

Warning: it involves the symbolic representation of a social activity that is considered gross (and illegal in most countries) giving romance a whole new meaning of weird.

See what I mean?

But who cares? We want romance and thrills.

The movie was such a hit that a sequel was immediately greenlit.

Enter Twilight: New Moon, where the smarmy love affair spins out of control.

A whole new meaning of epic — if by epic we mean daft.

Next came Twilight: Eclipse. It was so bad, I won’t even go there. Even the Honest Trailer was boring.

Which brings us to the finale: Breaking Dawn.

Part 1.

And Part 2.

Just in case you hadn’t had enough.

From your trash-trampling Spin Doctor,

More angles, better pictures and books.

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