A garbage truck’s dream meal: the only way to describe the breakfast range at the hotel where I’m spending a week of my time and a considerable amount of money for a passable standard room, a syncopated broadband connection, and, as I already mentioned, breakfast that belongs in a garbage truck.
I cannot overstate how short this meal falls. I’m talking ingredients straight out of synthetic wonderland, loaded with sugar, additives, artificial color, cheap taste, cheap expectations, and a heavy dose of disregard for the human gut.
I’m talking meals made from the leftovers of a grocery store’s stock combined with nutrients manufactured in chemical labs.
I’m talking food created from pollution primers and automation. Food put together after scraping the bottom of the manufacturing barrel.
Food that won’t change much after you digest it, though your tongue will turn into a disco light, and so will your gut.
Look closely and this food is straight out of Charlie’s chocolate factory, if by chocolate you mean raw bleeding synthetix, spelled with an X, not an ‘ics,’ and Charlie’s factory is a machine sweating iridescent, organic material for people to feed on.
If the raw ingredients with which we manufacture latex, acrylics, varnish and plastics were turned into food, that’s today’s breakfast menu.
If a cargo of lego toys had sex with a ship carrying commodities such as unprocessed pork bellies and coffee beans, cornstarch and rice, not to mention the rats in the hull and the various components lying around, such as wood shavings, plastic residue and polystyrene — if such a ship and its contents fornicated with a cargo of legos to create offspring, these offspring would be brightly-colored, chewable commodities for the breakfast counters of hotels like the one I’m staying in.
Yes, I’m exaggerating, though not by much. The stuff I was met with did make my stomach turn, and that’s not what I’m looking for in a good breakfast.
Let’s cut to the chase. Let me describe a few of the food items to you so you can judge for yourselves. The cereal is pretty straightforward, so I’ll skip it and head straight for the starch.
Watch this space for Part 2