Feeling agitated or adventurous? Enter Tornado Country to witness the fury of Spin Doctor as he analyses the ins and outs of the modern world, tears down old preconceptions, and glimpses into history with an eye on the future.

Earth, The Floating (And Growing) Piece Of Garbage

This is where eschatology, the end of days, meets scatology, the study of crap!

An article titled 7 Reasons Why We Need To Protect Our Oceans recently pointed out that for the first time in history, human litter has reached areas of the planet not yet visited by humans, such as the seabeds and abysses of our oceans.

Sad case for humanity, no doubt about it. Here we are, toiling away on the surface of the planet, engaged in our noble endeavors, while every nook and cranny of the planet is getting stuffed with our waste.

Talk about sending out the wrong kind of message. The wrong kind of ambassadors.

‘Greetings! We Come With Shit.’

Consider first contact — the meeting of two cultures previously unaware of each other. Here we are, homo sapiens, doing our thing, and there they are, aquatic sundry, doing theirs, and the two of us are making contact for the first time ever through our biological and technological excrement.

Sure, these primitive aquatic lifeforms don’t see reality in the same way as us, so, no, it’s not a big deal. But the fact remains. Our shit precedes us.

Imagine All The People… Dangling By An Asshole

Let’s reverse the roles and put humanity in the position of these lifeforms. Here we are again, good old humanity, minding our business on our isolated island, when a huge cloud of something appears on the horizon. It looks like nothing we’ve seen before, and smells a little funny too, and feels kinda weird. We’re excited to find out more about it, expecting something out of this world, and we’re right, only not quite. It turns out to be the wrong kind of extraordinary, neither manna from heaven nor aerosolized ambrosia — just a wall of deleterious crap that stuns and suffocates us. We have no way of figuring out where it’s coming from or how to stop it. We’re dead long before its originators reach us, if they ever do.

Shitty Deal For Humanity

Bummer, innit? Yep, not just for life on Earth either. We’re making a right mess for ourselves, urinating and defecating and in general terms spewing waste — all the time, everywhere — where live and breathe, splish-splashing away like high-tech hogs, like amoeba in still-waters. Like organisms that haven’t discovered health and hygiene yet.

Well, guess what. After a while the waste piles up. The surrounding environment is unable to absorb and break down what we spew, and our waste management systems can’t keep up with the pace.

What does that mean in practical terms?

We’re wallowing in our own scum.

Planet Ahoy! (Packed With Yuck)

I haven’t yet driven the point home? Let me elaborate! Consider the situation from a bird’s-eye point of view: spread your wings and fly high, high in the blue sky, until it turns black and cold, devoid of oxygen — stop . . . turn around . . . look at our glimmering blue-white Earth, as if you were an alien looking down at a newly discovered planet. You’ll immediately realize that this planet is home to a species that has taken over the proceedings, dominating all other life. See us? Good.

Now look a little closer and you’ll realize that this species is very filthy. It goes to ‘the bathroom’ willy-nilly, with no regard for itself or its surroundings, stashing away its personal and industrial (and all kinds of) refuse wherever it can, pretending nothing’s there — that the toxins from its garbage and sewage and heavy metal signatures aren’t getting recycled into its food, water and ventilation systems.

Filthy, Filthy, Filthy!
 Our House, In Which We Defecate…

I could call it quits here, but I won’t. Here’s a different example for
 you to consider if you’re a down-to-earth individual, or averse to the 
hyperbole of sci-fi. Forget aliens. Imagine Earth as a house, a big, roomy house with a garden. Now consider this establishment’s tenants, a lively and boisterous bunch who work hard and party harder. Amazing as these people are, they have a quip. They like to pee, shit, binge and purge in the basement and garden. (Awful, I know.) They do their business wherever they can: behind the washing machine and fridge; in the air ventilation shafts and the water reservoir; in the drawers of the unused desk in the attic and in the closet room underneath the staircase;  in various metal containers stacked around the house; in the bath tub.

They also enjoy taking a dump on the neighbor’s back yard and on the surrounding front lawns and back alleys.

You may find the analogy overstretched, firstly because you have to reimagine Earth House as Earth Neighborhood; secondly, because it’s rather distressing to consider humanity in such a manner. Thirdly, you’re never going to look at houses the same way again, wondering what goes on inside them when the doors close and the curtains fall.

Why a house? Consider Earth’s environmental dynamic, known as the Ecology.

‘Eco’ stands for ‘House.’

Need I say more?

Homo Filthiens

Whichever way you look at it, the facts remain. Humanity is a filthy life-form that is dumping its waste all over the place. It’s in danger of dying from asphyxia, poisoning, or septicemia. Septicemia is what happens when an organism’s bloodstream i.e. the vital, life-giving fluid of the organism, becomes infected with excrement, usually its own.

With the planet’s nooks and crannies overflowing with waste, I’d say we’re turning pretty septicemic, fast.

What a way to go! Poisoned and drowned in our own filth. Talk about a fall from grace!

From your truism-focused Spin Doctor,

Eyes open, nostrils shut.